A doctor has finally arrived at the scene of yesterday’s car crash, in East Perthville.

That will come as a blessed relief to injured motorists, who have been besieged by a horde of hangers-on, opportunists and rent-seekers: an Investigative Journalist, a Self Help Guru, a Vampire, and heaven knows what else.

Now, it transpires that it is purely by chance that the doctor is on the scense – he simply happened upon the accident, driving by.

Authorities must act now to get Perthville’s emergency response systems up to scratch.